I am a giver
By Arman Ayva
Strong language and sensitive context warning!
Before you read make sure to be relaxed, nothing personal and nothing serious. Well, a little bit serious. When you read, it will be a voice in your head, your voice. Give it some flavor, act like you are on stage doing a comedy routine. Be open minded. Some drink will help, or some weed.
here it goes
 I am a giver. I'm so fucking giver so I would enjoy eating pussy more than you suck my dick. That's how much giver I am. Don't judge me yet, i have my reasons.
Fuck me, right? The first sentence and that's it; I will never give it to my wife to read for grammar check .
This is like the level set of the context that follows. the level of my dirtiness. The expectation is that after the first sentence you would think "what the fuck" then say 
"honey,  do you want to put kids to bed? And do you want me to read it out loud?" 
"no, darling. go ahead, I’ll read it tomorrow on my way to work."
Let's start with the word "fuck". this is a magical word, very powerful, the most popular in the entire planet. the easiest to use in any "fucking" context. the word that can express 100th of different moods, like long "fuck me" for disappointment and self-pity and emphasized "fuck you" for anger and arrogance. probably the only word that beats the "fuck" is the "ok". which makes "fuck you, ok?" the most popular expression. Literally, it means asking permission to fuck someone, right? But, in reality, it is kind of, telling someone "I am telling the truth, you don't believe me? it is your problem, bitch". 
Kids are not allowed to say "fuck", and that is correct. "You don't know what the fucking means, you little freak, you cannot use it. We, adults, we don't use your little bullshit gibberish words we don't understand. So fuck off".
And by the way, the literal meaning of fucking is way more positive than negative. 
Fucking is the process of having sex, intimate intercourse with the intention to achieve one the best and shortest pleasant states by the end of the intercourse- the orgasm. It also the common way of creating future generations and keep the continuity of human race. it also encompasses the pleasant processes such as eating pussy and sucking dicks. and this list of positive shit goes on and on. The only negative aspect of fucking is raping, and it is half negative since it is still positive for the rapper. 
So why in the world when you say  "fuck you" to someone, that someone takes from all the positivity of the intent only half of one "rape" meaning and get offended. it is insane. 
Another misinterpretation. 
Balls and pussy. 
Do you realize how tangible the balls are? It is so fucking tangible, it should be labeled 
"tangible product, be careful while carrying". The man should make tattoos on them. 
"this guy has some balls, be careful" 
all that means is, the guy is weak and vulnerable, be careful, don't go hard on him. The same goes for the dick by the way. 
The pussy, on the other hand, is the strongest shit ever. People kill for pussy, countries get into wars for pussies. Pussy is a power, plus it is not tangible at all. 
"Don't be a pussy" 
what? I wish I am. 
that is why eating pussy is like consuming the power, it is the end game, the finish line. you feel like you climbed the highest mountain in the world. 
"Don't fuck with this guy, he is powerful. He is pussy eater" that what you should say" 
Every presidential candidate should make it a running campaign. 
"did you eat a pussy, Mr. President? Did you get the power?"
now you understand why giving is good, right? 
I am a giver, ok?
Giving is good, and I enjoy it. And my sex life is none of your god dumb business. 
I mean, giving is way cooler than getting. That is what I think. Or maybe not. And maybe I am sick. 
But I will stick with who I am shit and try to explain it
 I enjoy it; I enjoy giving. I really do. And I hate my birthday, and I also hate Donald Trump.
Although it is nothing to do what I am talking about. I am telling it just to create some sympathy, like “ see, so many things we have in common” 
I hate my birthday. And every year on my birthday I want to be a stand-up comedian to tell how much I hate it. Fuck my birthday, I wish I have it every week, and maybe I will become an actor. 
I love giving, but on my birthday I give less and get too much. Too much love and attention. It contradicts my giving nature. I hate it. More I hate the fact that I should pretend that I am happy to get all this shitty fake wishes from people who don't give a shit about me. There is no way I can give more than I get on my birthday. It makes me sad. 
Fuck birthdays. And fuck Facebook. Fuck that shit. 
My wife says "You say, I hate my birthday, then why are you replying all the birthday messages? " 
Cause it is the only way to keep the fucking balance of getting and giving. And I always go back with some nice comments, funny gif or joke. Trying to say "Fuck your straight forward happy birthday message, I give more. Fuck you, enjoy my reply."
The social media is screwing with us in many different ways. Starting from mostly fake propaganda and advertisement, ending with tracking and selling private information. And by the way, the date of birth is one of the important pieces of private information that identifies you. Plus many people use it is as part their passwords, right?.
But what people do, they post their date of birth everywhere. 
"Oh, I like when people send me their nice wishes on my birthday." 
Idiot. The people care about you, know your birthday by heart, you don't need to remind them.
Post your fucking bank account with your credentials, you moron. Maybe they will deposit some money on your account as a birthday present 
Some "I have no idea who you are, and I just followed so you will follow me back" dude sends you "happy birthday, all my best wishes to you and your family" shit. Fuck that. I don't know you, I never saw you, and I most likely I am not gonna see you in my life, cause you motherfucker lives in some shitty small village in Asia, with the population more than in my country and i have no intention to come by to visit you. I just connected so you would put some fucking like on my post, that's all, you are just a social headcount, that is all. So do not fucking happy birthday me. And more,  don't fucking expect me to reply back with thank you. This is so sad what this fucking social media does to us. We become digital monsters, hunting for human souls in form of likes and follows. 
I don't mean it; I love my followers. It's just a joke, don't unfollow me. I spend 50$ per month on followmydick.fuck  website to get you
The worse is the Linkedin 
This shit is serious, right? Like serious shitty people there with ties, right? And I have about 1600  of those, connected. But many of those idiots in suits are sending me a message "Happy Birthday!" by just clicking a predefined button. No writing, no effort what so ever. Just click, click, click. I can click 100th of Happy Birthdays per day. To reply you have only three buttons: Thanks, smile and thumbs up emojis. Should I just smile back or give thumbs up, or unemotional Thanks?
No, fuck. I am a giver; I cannot do that. I must give more than I get. Fuck it. So for every click from you motherfucker, "I have no idea who you are" I have to type at least Thank you my dear friend "I have no idea who the fuck you are," I appreciate it!
I think one day when I retire, I am gonna post this on Linkedin. That would be hilarious. 
Btw I write this shit on my iPhone, and even I used tons of fuck and shit, my "smartphone" does not auto populate it for me. So annoying, screw you Apple. 
Giving is tough, but I love giving. I enjoy it. I really do. 
Here another one about social media Happy Birthday! from strangers crap. You get a notification on the messenger, Linkedin or Facebook, or whatever. You open it and same fucking Happy Birthday! a message like 5 times. you think the dude clicked it multiple times, but no. It one fucking Happy Birthday! per year. This motherfucker send me Happy Birthday!, get lost for a year, no contact, nothing. he doesn't even give a shit if I am dead already. Next year, "Happy Birthday my friend, all the best to you and family."  Fuck you, moron!
 I hate birthdays, but I love giving
Enjoying birthday is a mistake, after the day you realize that your mom had sex exactly your age + 9 months ago. When you know the exact time, it is fucking easy to visualize and it is disturbing. And celebrating birthday after 40 is it even worth. It is a countdown, dude. 
I wonder if there is an adoption date celebration.   
“Maybe we should tell him”
“he is a kid, don’t traumatize him”
 “Honey, maybe we should tell him now, he is 13 already he understands stuff, and he hates us anyway. Let's get back to this little piece of shit". 
"not yet, he will run away"
"how about now? he is 40"
"we can't, he is our sponsor"
“But he can guess, honey. we are white and he is not”
Hi hate this shit, it is awful  
But I love giving, giving  is a relive 
And by the way,  giving makes me also a shitty seller, you know?
I never sell any shit without giving up a bunch of money. 
I had this cool camera, Canon. shit is almost a professional camera. I bought it brand new for 2600, like three years ago. And I used it fucking a lot, a lot. Now I am selling it, right? 
So let me ask you, what would you do before putting it on Kijiji. Market research, right? To figure out the right price and all.   does anyone think what the thing you are selling has given you during the usage of the thing the are selling? Like how much value you have received?
 I know, you will consider me stupid. But, here is my thought process. I bought it for 2600, did a lot of shots, literally learned photography on that shit, that makes at least minus 1500, so I give it away for 1100. Fuck the market value which is maybe 1300. That's how shitty seller I am the shittiest seller, but a good giver.
Yesterday I was selling a small digital piano; I was drunk when a young man came by to buy it. I was in my sensitive mood, you know. I imagined for a moment that this young man could’ve been my son, I mean I dream my son to go to buy a piano, rather than a PS4 game. Anyway, I was so touched by my own fucking idea, plus I asked the dude to play for me, and by the end, I gave it away for 60$ instead initially agreed 100$. Honestly, I was thinking to give it for free,  but I don’t.  the guy would understand, neither my wife.  
I also love buying new shit; I don't care how expensive it is. Although maybe this is nothing to do with giving. But hey, fuck you. This is my show I can tell any shit I want. 
But seriously, I love buying new shit. Mostly i love the smell. The fucking smell of some fucking corporate production line. It's like giving a hug to some Chinese dude in uniform 
Actually, it is kind of giving away too. The stupid one
Buying a new car vs. buying a car that someone bought before you two days ago it is like giving away 5000 fucking dollars. That's how stupid I am and that's how much fucking corporate smell costs. 
Speaking of corporate, I love office job. White collars, parasites of the society. 
Imagine the first white collar dude. Or I should say relatively clean fur dude. 
It's like all these fucking dirty hunters lined up in front of the cage with their trophies. And this fat motherfucker accountant says "Next. Dinosaur leg. Good, good stuff ma man." and carving a line on the stone
"Next. What the fuck is this, bitch. Are you fucking kidding me, a chicken? where you get this shit. who gonna eat this shit. Go fuck back, and be sure I am gonna escalate this shit to compliance office, young man. One more strike and you are fired" carving X in front of the dude's name. 
This corporate shit also about giving though. Ask Karl Marks, he will tell you. 
I am also not a hero. Fuck heroes! I have never been a hero; I just had a hard time accepting it. I mean I knew I am not a hero from the beginning, but was so much afraid what would people think of me, so I would hide it until I realized that nobody gives a shit who I am. Thank you, Canada. 
When I was a kid, I would hang up with these fucking bully morons so that I wouldn't get bullied myself. I hated them, but I was a smart kid who knew how to survive, you know? Now I am over 40, and I confess. I am a pussy. Pussy smart survivor. 
let me come back to Canada. 
do you ever sell anything on Kijiji or Craigslist? 
For some people, it is just a regular activity, nothing strange. and by some I mean majority. 
For me, it is a challenge.
Let's say you sell some shit and someone sends you a message "is it still available?". Obviously, you answer "yes it is ." before you get an answer from that dude, you get another email "Hi, I am interested, do you still have it?". You answer "yes I have it." the first guy sends you email "I can come by tomorrow at 6pm, is it ok?". You say yes, but start thinking what if the second guy says he wants to come by tomorrow, what should you tell him. “ahh, I guess you can come by. maybe.  ahh, 7pm or something”. I have no idea what to tell. I don’t want to lose this guy because the first guy may no show up. But I also don’t know what to tell. 
Stay tuned more to come... 
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